A Dominatrix Reveals The Secret to Power Dynamics

A recent New York Times article featured Kasia Urbaniak a former dominatrix who teaches a sold out course in New York called “Cornering Harvey: Verbal Self-Defense Training Camp for Women.”

A word “dominatrix” often evokes images of whips and chains. Kasia apparently does teach with a riding crop but the crux of her teachings comes down to a simple element of power dynamics that psychologists have studied for years. And, this secret element can be used in dealing with people in a wide array of situations beyond the bedroom.

The key to taking your power or giving it away comes down to a simple question:

Where does your attention go?

In recent article on the Male Gaze, I discussed the research on objectification that shows when women are made self-conscious (through cat calls and questioning), they become less agentic and less able to act for themselves; instead they react and are reactive to the other. In other words, they take the submissive role — and are diminished to only responding and reacting to the dominant questioner.

In dominant-submissive relationships, the dominant person puts attention on the submissive person — and keeps their attention on the submissive person, keeping them slightly of kilter, so they stay on their toes and completely focused…